Lost

There’s plenty of trouble to be had when you define yourself by one thing.  For me, that thing is climbing.  When people ask, “what do you do?” or “what have you been up to?”  my answer is always climbing.  Climbing trip this, climbing trip that, this boulder, that crack, this sport route, that project.   

But lately, that hasn’t been true.  I have not been climbing.  Not in the gym, not outside, not on buildings, not up trees.  The last time I went climbing was in Bishop.  Yes, remember that, way back in January? 

[Disclaimer: ok I’ve done two competitions in the past month for the Collegiate Climbing Series, but I’ll get back to that in another post.  And I went climbing (inside) yesterday.  But other than that… none]

So now when people ask me what I’ve been up to, I don’t know what to say.  Actually, people don’t even ask me that.  They cut straight to the chase.  “Been climbing anywhere cool lately?”  “You must be crushing, right?” 

…no

I feel lost.  What is it that I do?  I try to think when people ask what’s going on and I really can’t come up with much.  Well, there’s school but I don’t put in too much time there.  I ride my bike, but it’s been windy lately so I haven’t been on it too much.  I play with my dogs.  Eat, sleep?

Help!

Who am I?!

Who do I want to be?

I am a climber!  Or am I?

I want to be a climber!  I think.  I am trying to figure out if it has been a conscious choice not to climb or if has just somehow happened.  I know why I don’t climb in the local gym, I am just not motivated there.  But why haven’t I been on trips?  Why hasn’t every fiber in my being been craving the adventurous lifestyle that I used to embrace?  Why haven’t all my resources been funneled into making climbing happen?

Here are some theories:

1. I am burnt out

2. The weather

3. School schedule

4. Something is wrong with me!

If I was in Thailand, I'd probably be psyched

I am still interested in climbing.  I still go on Dead Point and the Bishop Bouldering Blog way too many times a day.  I daydream about long trips to the Red River Gorge or many of the climbing destinations I have yet to explore.  I ponder myself placing gear on fun new routes.  But yet, here I sit in my bed, with a final exam in Marketing looming just 10 hours away, with no studying under my belt, thinking about why I am not climbing.

Bouldering in Bishop.  Definitely better than studying.

I think as climbers we do sometimes wonder, why do we do this?  But in the end the conclusion is always the same- because its rad, it’s beautiful, it makes me happy; it is liberating and detoxifying and pure and perfect.  It really is all those things, so I can’t fathom why I am not out climbing every second of every day. 

Clearly, I am not motivated by grades in my climbing as I have been on an ever stretching plateau for what seems like years.  I think that I have chosen to accept this though, as most people that I climb with will attest to the fact that I don’t actually try very hard (as in I don’t train, and I giggle way too much).

Very dirty. Very happy. Lovin' life.

I think a huge motivating factor for me is the people who I climb with.  But recently one of my really strong and inspiring climbing partners threw me for an unexpected loop that made me look at climbing in a really strange way for a few days.  And on top of that, I miss Tim so much it hurts!  Tim and climbing were always synonymous for me so that connotation is always present when I climb.

Getting motivated.  Send train on Molly with Alex

So, where am I going with all this?  I have no idea.  That’s the point.  I’m lost.  And I really do sincerely apologize for this depressing post since I am usually a very, very happy person. 

I think I need to decide something about climbing.  What that is, I don’t know.  All I know is that spring break is coming up and every person I know is going climbing.  Except me.  I am going to go skiing.  This is just ludicrous…

Last spring break I went to Red Rocks and the Creek

I want to be a climber.  I want that to be my definition.  I want to go back to the Fall and Summer when all I did was climb.  But for now, what do I do?  Should I make a commitment to train hard, and try hard, and get better?  Should I take it as it comes and go on the sporadic, low-key climbing trip?  Or should I take a break?  Like a real break where I find myself a new definition for a while? (I’d like to think that the answer to that last one is NO!)  I think I just need to get on routes.  Maybe if I didn’t boulder for a while and did some routes… 

Placing gear would likely solve all my problems

I just don’t know. 

And speaking of things that I don’t know… I don’t know anything about Marketing so I should probably stop babbling and start studying.  I'm sure that in the morning it will all feel ok again.